♥ Thursday, January 27, 2011
Despite all the tears, they still don't know.
Does the problem lie in me or them?
I really don't know.
It's not about they restricting me so much.
It's more about they didnt even try to understand me.
Previously I participated in JYP Audition in Singapore.
I didn't dare and want to tell them.
Coz surely I know they wont support me and will 'say' and 'say' and 'say'.
They care for my future.
I know.
But I myself dont even know how I'm going to walk the future path.
I'm not one who plan for the future.
I take step by step, caring only the present.
She asked how I want them to show me concern.
I replied I don't know.
Now thinking, I guess all I want is their support in what I did.
I dont see them showing any before.
All I feel I get is saying what I did has no future.
It's more realistic and safe to have a good academic certificate.
I know.
But can't I even try catching after my dream?
Eventually when I get tired of trying or admit that I'm not for it, I'll stop.
Do they understand?
Can they understand?
Can they try?
Whenever I don't feel a sense of belonging among my friends, I don't even dare to talk to them about this matter.
Afterall, family and home should be the ppl and place where I know I have no one else but still have them to rely on psychologically.
Can things get better?
I hope so.
I don't wish to be so rebellious too coz they aint any younger than before.
Is it the huge generation gap between us that causes all these?
Or is it their thinking ain't really open enough to accept my thinking that causes all these?
I want back the way it used to be in my primary school life.
Where I felt accused by my friend and I got back home, cried and complaint to my mother.
And she's there to comfort/console me.
Now, I don't really a single problem, happiness I encountered in my friendship to my mother.
Not really much to my siss too.
Yet, they kept mentioning, I still have sisters, better than being the only daughter.
Sisters that don't really talk much about our feelings in our social life.
What for?
Sister that thinks differently from me.
Sister that doesnt support me of my interest, dancing.
Sister that I chose certain stuff to talk with only.
Is there any sister that I can really share every happiness and problem with?
Like Hazel and her sister, Cheryl; Joanne and her sister, Karen.
I've been envying the 2 of them.
I envy ppl like Glenda, who has friends that are willing to come out to accompany her as and when she needs ppl to talk to, provided he/she is free.
Can I?
No point envying I know.
But it isn't a crime to do so, is it?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Teardrops keep falling on my face.
I've been putting on a 'mask' in front of my friends.
Keeping things to myself.
And yet, I can't take off the 'mask' and let the things out at home.
I'm suffocating.
How long still can I continue breathing?
I don't know.
Do you know?
I'm tired...
My heartbeat: ^v~^v~~------
