♥ Monday, July 12, 2010
I've always been hoping for receiving more warmth and love from my family.
I've always hope that my sisters and I have a smaller age gap.
I've been thinking how good it would be if I were to have a twin sister.
I've been thinking, 'If I were to have the above realized, I would be a better person.'
I've been keeping a lot of things to myself.
I've been trying to find someone I can really confide everything to.
I've found one for this and I hope we will not drift apart.
I've been over-sensitive every time.
I've been moody ever since I don't know when.
I've been disliking being wronged when I'm right.
I've been disliking to explain or clarify when I'm wronged.
I've been disliking to act as though I don't care about other's opinion of me when I actually care to an extent.
I've been disliking to show my concern even when I'm caring in my heart.
I've been disliking to live and having difficult times being a human.
I've been hoping to die peacefully at a age of 20/30+.
I don't like to express my thoughts truthfully.
Read my mind before judging on my character.
I admit I may not be as good but neither am I as bad.
I don't like to show my concern for others that often for the sake of showing.
I just don't like to suppress myself or act.
♥ Saturday, July 03, 2010
Hours ago, it marked the end of CSCC AGM 10/11.
I've enjoyed myself and thus, missing it now.
I'm one who just keeps missing the past times when I knew I should not be doing so.
I can't help it.
I can't imagine my poly life to end.
I will be missing CSCC so much.
I discovers a point as I grow up.
A person's family background really influences his/her character upon the growth.
I've been rather emotional inside me recently.
I'm sorry but to say, I think I don't really trust people as much as I did in the past.
I was such a confident and cheerful young girl.
Time changes me.
I really changed.
I agree the saying that "It's always better to be kids."
Little children are just naive and simple-thinking.
They really do not think as much as an adult.
I wish to remain as a little kid.
But is it possible?
I've thought of this many times before.
I wish that my life can end at an age of around 29.
This thought is due to the reason that I hope my life can end with a wonderful, awesome, beautiful history, a fantastic full stop.
I may not be able to experience the marriage, which I would like to.
Nevertheless, if I were given a choice, I wish to end my life with a beautiful full stop and not experience marriage.
I guess this is due to me being really tired of living.
Yet, I have no courage to commit suicide.
I'm one who gives in to fate, I guess.
I let fate to decide my life quite a lot.
It's a sad thing but too bad.
I'm quite a low-confidence person.
Adding on, I'm afraid to see my loved ones die before me.
I've dreamt of my grandpa dying in the past.
I cried in my dreams and this scared my family.
Can you imagine how badly did I cry?
It's weird.
For your information, my r/s with my grandpa is not close to the standard that I think I would cry so badly for him.
I did in my dream.
"日有所思， 夜有所梦" = Your dream reflects what your thinking usually.
I didn't answer my family why I cried and what I dreamt.
Don't know how long later, my grandpa really died.
I cried for him despite that I always don't like him smoking at home, don't like him being biased for my parent's generation relatives, don't like him being needed to give in to him.
There was this no. of dislikes of him to me.
Yet, I cried.
It's really weird how people's mind and heart work differently.
I was scared after this dream.
Every time I dream of bad dreams, I would say out everything that I could remember.
As I heard before that if you say out your dream, it will not realise.
I believe it.
There is more than my dream of my grandpa's death that really happens.
You can say that maybe my grandpa was old and may go anytime.
I don't know.
I just believe it.
I dreamt before of my dad dying.
I admit I don't know how to communicate well with my dad nowadays.
I admit sometimes talk to him until I wanna argue with him.
Still, I cried in the dream.
I said out becoz I'm really scared.
I can't imagine if it really happens.
Recently, I dreamt of him dying again.
Very unfilial of me?
I think so too.
I cried again.
I said out again.
After dreaming this incident twice, I realised I'm afraid of death.
I'm afraid of death of my beloved than my death.
Thus, I'm being selfish but to hope that I die before my beloved ones.
I don't wish to see them go before me.
I'm being very selfish.
I'm sorry but I really don't wish to.
I'm afraid of growing up.
Afraid of growing old.
Being able to live long is not a good thing.
So I think when I get older, if I got to, which I hope not to, I don't wish people to wish me Chang
Ming Bai Shui [long live].
Probably getting older equals more burden.
I don't like burden.
This may be one reason I wish to die earlier too.
I hope to die in the best manner - SLEEP TO DEATH.
People said that if you sleep to death, it means that your soul is not with you.
But how can we know if it's true?
Hence, I still prefer this method of dying.
At least, you feel no pain before dying.
However, this will be the most shocking, unexpected and devastating news to your family if you die of this method.
This is a very long post of my emotional thinking.
Sorry abt it.
Another fact of me:
I don't express my feelings to others easily. Thus, you need to know me real well to see through my mind.
